just selfishness?
For more than a year i tried to bury my pride with her. I m not sure pride s the right word. It might have been self defence, survival instinct. I think some kind of mental health alarm went off without me being aware of it. Whatever it was, it summoned an undercurrent of rage. An ever-simmering concoction only brimming on rare occasions.
A few more than 365 had already paraded by. The blues got me off guard. After being buried for more than a year I was suddenly feeling the ground shake under my feet.
Has there been any mistake? Has she been buried alive? She was dead, alright! She came back to live by gorging on the emotions i hid in her coffin and now she s back. Now that I think about it, she did look a little bit like an undead. All that natural darkness under the eyes...but i digress
I went for the straight forward approach: elliciting the information by asking simple questions. What role do you think selfishness played in you breaking up with C C? My answer could have been 'none'. It wasn't though.
i just hesitated for several minutes and my mind seemed to then switch off. What was the question again? After going through the same motions and staring into my confused eyes for a further indefinite number of minutes the interviewer started to get on his nerves so i tried my best to answer the question. How could I? selfishness...? ehhhm
i guess i must ve been selfish but i can t see exactly how. This is the extent of my self knowledge. A ludicrous self-awareness muffled by fear and selfishness.
Once I gave up hope of finding a fairly simple answer it seemed to naturally come to me. our struggle didn't make sense, not anymore, not after...so selfishness took over. This roadless connections. These sudden thought pop-ups. they always strike me as utterly miraculous; one's not on thinking mode and then the idea becomes as tangible as a suicidal razorblade wound.
Another digression! What was the question again? Selfishness
i'm the one whose heart's just missing
try to stab me dead , you won't kill me
you'll stab thin air, nothing.
A few more than 365 had already paraded by. The blues got me off guard. After being buried for more than a year I was suddenly feeling the ground shake under my feet.
Has there been any mistake? Has she been buried alive? She was dead, alright! She came back to live by gorging on the emotions i hid in her coffin and now she s back. Now that I think about it, she did look a little bit like an undead. All that natural darkness under the eyes...but i digress
I went for the straight forward approach: elliciting the information by asking simple questions. What role do you think selfishness played in you breaking up with C C? My answer could have been 'none'. It wasn't though.
i just hesitated for several minutes and my mind seemed to then switch off. What was the question again? After going through the same motions and staring into my confused eyes for a further indefinite number of minutes the interviewer started to get on his nerves so i tried my best to answer the question. How could I? selfishness...? ehhhm
i guess i must ve been selfish but i can t see exactly how. This is the extent of my self knowledge. A ludicrous self-awareness muffled by fear and selfishness.
Once I gave up hope of finding a fairly simple answer it seemed to naturally come to me. our struggle didn't make sense, not anymore, not after...so selfishness took over. This roadless connections. These sudden thought pop-ups. they always strike me as utterly miraculous; one's not on thinking mode and then the idea becomes as tangible as a suicidal razorblade wound.
Another digression! What was the question again? Selfishness
i'm the one whose heart's just missing
try to stab me dead , you won't kill me
you'll stab thin air, nothing.
posted by nacho at 1:13 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home